Heyyyy #GirlBosses! As a white woman that owns several large-brimmed hats, I am an expert in entrepreneurship.
This wasn’t always the case though. Not so long ago, I was just another Midwestern stepmom, struggling to get friends from high school to join my ponzi scheme, with nary a leopard spot on my phone case. What changed? How did I go from the unsuccessful life of getting Barefoot drunk at my stepson’s soccer match to living lavishly and getting Barefoot drunk at Aloha Beach (the water park in Wisconsin Dells)? The answer: sharing the most outlandishly racist memes on my Facebook page.
It all started sort of by accident. I shared what I thought was a picture about mascara. As it turns out, “thin blue line” has less to do with makeup and more to do with something called “the systematic and predatory tactics used by law enforcement against minorities and the socio-economically disadvantaged.” I have no idea what that means, but all my Facebook friends are apparently super in favor of it.
Just minutes after sharing that meme, my post was blowing up! Folks I hadn’t heard from in years were coming out of the woodwork to make sure that I knew they supported the perpetual oppression of black people in this country. The best part? These Confederate LARPers are the exact same people gullible enough to think my extremely obvious ponzi scheme is an actual business opportunity.
Just like that, business was booming. Instead of sharing over-filtered selfies, I started posting memes that these racist pigs gobbled up like slop from the trough. Once everyone was in the comments talking about why it should be harder for minorities to vote or something, I just chimed in with “Wow! You are very well-read patriots! Here is a way to make $1000 a day that definitely isn’t a ponzi scheme!”
Heck, just the other day I wanted some cash to buy a few more “Live, Laugh, Love” wall stickers, so I made up some shit about Hondurans being responsible for Trump getting banned from Facebook and slapped it on a picture of the guy from “Goodfellas” laughing. I posted it in a group called “Evangelicals for a Whiter Tomorrow.” Within an hour I had five new “employees” cashing in their 401ks and writing me checks to join, and I can’t make this clear enough, what is undeniably an overt pyramid scheme.
Anyway, thanks for reading, huns. The market seems to be getting a bit over-saturated, but you know what they say: “There’s a racist moron, that can’t tell the difference between an actual business and getting absolutely fleeced for all they’re worth, born every minute.”
By Alec Stein